Week 6 Writing Tools Activity
Tool #14: Get the name of the dog, really stuck with me. I love when a writer describes what he is writing about using powerful adjectives. It really draws me into the subject and provides an unreal image for me. One where I can picture myself sitting in the cafe sipping on the steamy, hot coffee, or walking in the woods, smelling the pine needles and reminiscing about Christmas time with my family. The ability to take the reader to this place is a strong one, and to do this, a writer must provide the details. Below, I have provided an original passage that I wrote senior year of high school followed by a revision using this particular tool.
Original passage:
There were so many choices, but I decided to keep it simple, yet tasteful. I chose red peppers, spinach, shredded cheese, and ham, a classic in my eyes. I filled my bag and cracked two egg whites right into the bag. My omelet in a bag was ready. Everyone placed their bags into the boiling pot of water at the same time, and waited anxiously to see how they would turn out.
Revised passage:
There were so many choices, but I decided to keep it simple, yet tasteful. I chose crisp red bell peppers, a bountiful amount of green spinach, shredded colby jack cheese, and perfectly sliced pieces of ham. All combined together to form a mouth-watering, egg white omelet. I filled the bag to brim with the veggies and cheese followed by cracking two large brown egg whites right into the bag. My omelet in a bag was ready. Everyone placed their bags into the industrial sized, boiling pot of water one by one, and waited anxiously to see how this method of cooking would actually turn out.
I am hoping that by using tool #14 that the reader will finding this more descriptive than the original passage. Providing these small details about this process can, what I hope, take the reader to that exact moment.
For anyone interested in how this works, I have provided the recipe. This process is great for when you have lots of people and want to eat at the same time.
Madeline Danesi 
I love that you included a link to the recipe you were referring to! That shows good rhetorical awareness b/c you recognized that some of your classmates might appreciate this info.
Your revision definitely brings out some details that make it easier to visualize (and imagine tasting!) the omelet, although the new sentence that starts with “All combined together to form” seems to come too soon, since you haven’t yet described the process of making the omelet.
It’s a nifty idea for making a “custom” meal for a group of people that will be ready at the same time, but I do wonder about what kind of bag you used and what shape the omelet was in when you emptied it out of the bag!
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